Mindful of Thoughts

Weary

2012-02-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

I wish you had been nicer to the younger me, the one that didn't know the world was tainted and full of so many stories you didn't want to know. I had once believed in endless possibilities; I worked hard and tirelessly towards something. I don't know what anymore. I see a black gaping hole where once I dreamed about beautiful amazing things.

One time up at the cottage I spent hours lying out on the dock. Eventually thinking that I felt at one with an inanimate object, as both the dock and I swayed in the lake afloat the nonrhythmic waves. I thought that's how it must have felt to be carried for once. To let myself go and have something hold me up and move me, rocking me gently, cradling me with the soft swooshing sounds of the water lulling me to sleep. It made me ache like a child for the comfort of a parent's outstretched arms, knowing that those safe warm arms protected you from everything passed them.

That's all I want now, to be held or cradled by the waves.

Confidence

2012-02-02T06:06:00.001-08:00

Confidence isn't something you can fix overnight, it's not something you can read inspirational quotes on and gain some sort of insight about. It is definitely not about losing 20 pounds or fitting into a certain style.

Confidence is a battle you'll fight all your life and probably never win... It's a mindset not a particular individual. It's the way you face a problem, the way you look in the mirror at yourself and the way you talk to someone who approaches you.

It's not something you are all the time, don't let anyone make you believe that.

Careless

2012-01-27T04:56:00.001-08:00

If you observed more and closed your mouth more often, you'd notice that people are constantly making a joke out of you.

Fazed

2012-01-26T20:59:00.000-08:00

Your standing on a makeshift stage; some milk crates covered in red cloth but everyone's still staring at you. As soon as you speak it goes quiet and she's even stopped texting to look at you.

(source: me)

And, I'm staring out the window wishing to be anywhere but here. Swallowing back the emotions that I don't want to think about right now. So I do what I do best and you suggested I do; I rolled another one. Because that's all I know how to do, I guess. I smoked while I watched you do what you do best. And not once did you make eye contact. You never do. I thought you could of sensed that something was off. But then again, it's been a while since you have... I guess.

I was choking back on the pain while staring her in the eyes. I knew she was waiting to see what I'd do but all I could manage was to smile at everything she said and ironically, that hurt more. The smoke choked me along with the mixture of inscents and the thought of your lips swallowing back whatever they passed around in the plastic bottle they had.

I still couldn't help but think you just knew, you had too.

At the end of the night when you were mine again and I couldn't hold it back any longer, I tried to tell you but you blamed it on how much I had smoked... So we just smoked again.

And then I smoked again when you left.

There just has to be...

2012-01-22T04:02:00.000-08:00

...more to life then clothes and makeup, cars and boys, partying, drinking and smoking.

I don't trust any of them and that's never a good feeling.

2012-01-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

My heart never has enough time to heal before it gets broken again. And every time it just hurts more then the last. Until what, though? Until it's unbearable? Until I say things I won't be able to take back?

Or worst... until I can't stand you.

Only Then

2012-01-21T03:34:00.000-08:00

There all thoughts.

2012-01-20T00:57:00.000-08:00

Every now and then when I muster up the courage to pay enough attention to the thought, I feel an ache to know how you'll react.

Will your fingers caress my stretched skin, stroke my limp hair, kiss my swollen cheeks?

Biter

2012-01-18T02:07:00.000-08:00

No matter what you wear, what you own, what you buy or how you style your hair, you'll never be me because that doesn't define who I am.

Swear

2012-01-16T11:32:00.001-08:00

You can look at all the pretty girls you want but only take me home at night.

2012-01-14T03:15:00.000-08:00

Keep it real.

2012-01-13T14:52:00.001-08:00

It can be broken down to the simple fact that I don't want you to break my trust. I assure you it's not something that can be fixed once broken.

"We all self-conscious I'm just the first to admit it!"

2012-01-13T00:39:00.000-08:00

Go ahead. Figure me out.
I dare you.
I know you can't.

After so many years of living a person learns how to hide in their own skin. It is easy to hide beneath a nice outfit and the right shade of lipstick.

A pretty face can be deceiving, they say. I take no one at face value anymore and you shouldn't either, trust me.

I'm not scared to love you.

2012-01-12T03:00:00.000-08:00

I don't give a fuck to travel, I mean I would love to see places I see on TV. But I know no matter where I go, no matter how many places I see, how many beautiful untouched amazing miracles of nature I lay my eyes upon I'm going to be wondering where you are, what your doing and if you are thinking about me?

I can run as far away from you as I can, I can put thousands of miles and days between us but I'll always want to be where you are, I'll always want to be in your arms, falling asleep on your chest, kissing your lips, next to your body, even within your sight.

I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't know what this is all about but you make me happy. I'm not scared to admit how much you mean to me. You make sense to me, you understand me and I wouldn't trade it for a million plane tickets.

Craving

2012-01-12T02:43:00.000-08:00

I place the cigarette between my lips. I flick my lighter open and take a deep breath, holding the flame up to the end inhaling slowly, filling my lungs with smoke and for a few seconds I hold it there and say a little prayer. I exhale and control the curling wisps of smoke as they escape from my mouth and nostrils. I smoke it right down to the filter and reach for another as I flick the butt to it's death.

What is this place?

2012-01-12T01:54:00.000-08:00

Made up of things I can't explain, of moments that seem perfectly timed but don't make any sense. This thing in my chest that beats and aches and melts and breaks and controls what I do more than the thoughts in my head.

I'm not familiar with this place, have I always been here? Because it feels like I've just recently woken up and I'm so utterly lost. Where to begin? Where to go? What to do?

They say look at the bigger picture but why is it all a blur to me?

One

2012-01-08T01:28:00.001-08:00

We stood naked in front of each other and jiggled our tummies and squeezed our belly buttons, imitating talking mouths.

I've never felt more beautiful in absolutely nothing.

Give her the time of day...

2012-01-06T22:06:00.001-08:00

There are so many guys out there that would shower her in gold and diamonds, treat her like a queen, give her everything and more but she chose you.

What's new?

2012-01-06T17:09:00.001-08:00

Everyone leaves you behind in pursuit of their dreams.

It's always a problem when you start to lose vision of your own; when your heart tricks yourself thinking that one person is enough to survive in this place. You forget who you are and can't even remember what your purpose is. You think it's him and you but it's never that simple; it's an intricate and complex world.

Alone

2012-01-06T02:07:00.000-08:00

Trying to pick myself up off the floor at 5am. The cool laminate pressed against my hot forehead, curled up on a shabby rug. I look up as if expecting your face, your warm arms to cradle me but only the cold hard truth stares back.

I'm alone.

Defeated

2012-01-06T00:56:00.001-08:00

Nothing like the feeling of sitting around night after night waiting for his call and it never comes.

Real World

2012-01-06T00:53:00.001-08:00

I don't know no love for anyone else because of you.

Unrecognizable

2012-01-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

I can't stand you breaking my heart, it turns me into a fucking monster.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

As we all sit down to enjoy this meal, I'll ache for you.

(click for source)

I don't believe you can love me this much.

2011-12-24T00:56:00.000-08:00

Blinded

2011-12-21T00:04:00.000-08:00

I wish it could be this simple, wrapped in your arms absorbed in your scent, the feel of your skin against mine. But I have to wake up in the morning and go to work. It can't be this way in my head where it's just me and you, like no one can touch us where we are.

But the high's not really a high nothing changes, reality remains exactly the same.

It's all a fantasy, where we live simply but it's all so complicated now that I don't know where to begin to untangle myself from this delusion that I've tricked myself into believing is reality.

All in due time I guess.

2011-12-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Angry Beast in Disguise

2011-12-19T01:44:00.000-08:00

I may have a pretty face and a soft voice but haven't you ever heard of the phrase, "Don't judge a book by it's cover"?

I can tell you've been testing my limits, pushing it every now and then to see what you can get away with. Taking jabs at me, pretending like you are clueless to the true meaning behind your words and I've been playing along, laughing and brushing it off.

I'm not quite sure I understand your motives, unless I have something of yours which I'm absolutely positive, I don't.

Let me warn you, if I blow I'm going to remind you of every little thing I let slide and your going to regret trying to pick a bone with me. You see the thing about fighting with a person like me is, I don't usually fight with people. I always let everything slide because what's the point of making a big deal out of nothing? But I remember everything, ever little thing. You may think my memory is off but I remember every little thing you say to get me mad, every little jab you take in front of other people to make yourself look good, hell once I must admit I even counted the number of..

Ou, wait! I'll save that one until you reconsider what the fuck you're up to.

Trust the stars, they listen to you.

2011-12-17T22:19:00.000-08:00

Oh dark night, you never fail to change the mood. It's either terrifying disguised in your strange lights or relaxing and soothing to sit still and let go, unafraid of who watches as I unravel in the crisp cool wind. I whispered to the teal sunset but now a cloudy night threatens to close in as I whisper to the stars, my wishes of him.

Insane

2011-12-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

I feel so alive when I'm with you. Not a second goes to waste. Even if we are just driving around or seeing a movie, I'm comfortable next to you. Even if we're in the same room and your talking to someone else, I'm content.

But when I'm alone, I'm someone else.

I don't know how to be alone in this room and keep myself happy for more than a little while. I feel like I'm slowly losing it... unraveling; my interior showing through.

Precious

2011-12-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

(source: endingasphalt.tumblr)

Where are we going?

2011-12-13T22:55:00.000-08:00

Don't tell me it's all a phase, that after a while I'll grow up and continue like the rest and forget to question reality. I'll be consumed in some profession and money and possessions that I'll forget where we're all eventually headed. Reality is crystal clear; I can see to the very bottom of it.

The thing is even when you jump in it's never what you expect. It teases you, it persuades you then stifles you, it almost threatens to kill you but doesn't, it's pleasant, it's wonderful and then it's all over.

I just don't understand...

Did You Know?

2011-12-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

I would do absolutely anything for you.

(click for source)

What do you do?

2011-12-12T23:31:00.001-08:00

As if all I'm good for is to stand in the corner and look pretty... oh ya and smile when I'm suppose to.

Don't let this happen.

2011-12-12T23:31:00.000-08:00

(source: brittlemind.tumblr)

Unintentionally

2011-12-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

You're the only one that understands me and all I do is find ways to push you away.

Brutal

2011-12-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

When you were young you wished to hear him say I love you. When you got older you realized that people say anything to get what they want.

Magnifique

2011-12-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

(source: paperboatsandaeroplanes)

It's Enough For Me

2011-12-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

I can't see myself being without you. Does that make you the one?

Beautiful

2011-12-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

I hear it a lot.

"Don't smoke, you're too pretty." So if I wasn't then it would be okay?

(souce: cigarette-please.tumblr)

As if what you see could possibly give you some sort of insight to what's on the inside. I don't know what you see. When I look in the mirror I'm so taken back. Long locks falling down my back, framing my face, emphasizing my sculpted cheeks. A smile that could never be captured in a picture. Curvy figure that I would have killed for when I was 16.

It's not what I expected.

I always mix emotions and alcohol.

2011-12-11T00:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm for show most times and I can't help but smile for the people, even the ones with threatening glares. All they see is my clothes, my hair, my smile and they feel like they know me but I'm convinced these days, that no one really does.

2011-12-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

I've been missing you a lot lately. I don't know what it is, maybe the cold weather or the loneliness finally settling in. When I'm just about to reach for you, I remember we're not the same anymore and withdraw further.

Fact

2011-12-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

The world doesn't stop for anyone so don't get caught up in things that don't matter. Because you'll get left behind.

It's Cold, Bundle Up

2011-12-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

"When one has faith that the spring thaw will arrive, the winter winds seem to lose some of their punch."

(click for source)

- Robert L. Veninga

Apathetic

2011-12-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

Lately, I care very little about most things. So don't take it as me not listening, it's me simply not caring and that's how I'm choosing to get by.

Brace For Impact

2011-12-04T01:44:00.000-08:00

I'm falling, constantly falling.

Time continues to unveil how amazing this is. The further we fall, the more gentle I become with the fragility of it all; how delicate it all seems when only time is between you and the bottom. How weak I feel knowing that nothing's there to protect us on impact.

Will we hit the bottom or is this a never-ending free fall?

Imperfectly Perfect

2011-12-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

Does it have to be perfect?

Can it be messy and wild?

Mismatched underclothes.

Grass stains on your jeans.

Tangled bushy hair,

bags under our eyes.

Pale morning skin.

Sour breath, stubbly face.

Changing As Always

2011-12-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm standing on the balcony my bare feet cold against the cement, the sun so bright I have to squint, the rays making my skin feel warm like it's hugging my body. My body feeling like air, like I'm floating on a cloud but inside I can't feel a thing or too many things that I can't comprehend just one at a time.

I let a memory take over and instantly I'm transported back in time. Standing in that empty room looking out the window and thinking I'm not use to the view and the sounds I can hear through the glass. And today standing in that same position and soaking up the warmth of the sun and listening to the tires on the asphalt. And worrying about things that didn't even exist back then.

I always found it odd that time helps you cope either that or eventually time changes your mind. I hope it's not the latter.

Hurting

2011-12-01T01:25:00.000-08:00

The cold is creeping into my bones, my legs ache as I stumble around gazing up at the stars. I'm not in any particular mood and this bitter feeling continues to stretch on.

I need his arms around me. It's an escape lying next to him; we tangle ourselves together - lately he pulls his fingers through my hair cupping the back of my head rubbing my scalp. He dozes off in seconds. And I watch his peaceful face until I have no choice but to kiss his lips to wake him up. We stare at each other with a knowing look. I can stare into his eyes and see the conflict he's having; not wanting to leave but having to. Each time it gets a little harder to say bye as the cold seeps through the thin sweatshirt I've pulled from the bottom of the basket because after, I can never seem to find all my clothes. At the time it was fun to throw my bra across the room only to have it turn up in a few days beneath my bed.

The backyard gate clinks shut and the sound of the engine starting leaves me bitter, especially if I don't know when I'll see him next. I always can't help to walk slow and stare back at him reversing disappearing behind the house and then whipping by in a blur, his taillights glowing down the street.

It hasn't been a few weeks or months but years of watching him go, I just want him to stay...

A Writer's Mind

2011-11-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

I'm in so deep.

I don't even know where to begin to look for the problem, it's all so tangled and messy in there. I don't understand why anyone would want this. I'm so far in that I can't remember what I was like before you. I'm disgusted with myself. You bring out the best in me and sometimes the worst. And I need you so bad. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing, your amazing and what we have is amazing. But I've become so dependent on it to get me by that I'm lost in it.

Who am I aside from this?

I honestly, don't know...

I want you.

2011-11-23T03:07:00.000-08:00

I'm an internal mess of emotions, mainly trying to distinguish between bottled up anger and an unsatisfied longing for him. I'm wrapped up in his undershirt that he forgot here, inhaling deeply the light scent of his cologne and the lingering of Irish Spring soap. I'm imagining instead that I'm wrapped in his arms and tangled in his legs... but if that were the case I'd be in a blissful sleep instead of... well... here.

Let It Resonate

2011-11-22T13:26:00.001-08:00

Lighten up.

Subside

2011-11-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

I don't have the goddamn answer so stop looking at me with those needy eyes. It's all, " What's your opinion on this and that? Do you want to go here or there? Did you hear about so and so? Did you see that?". The questions don't stop. I don't know, I don't know anymore. And if it's not the questions, it's suggestions of what would do me good, what's healthy, what's right, what's wrong... blah, blah, blah.

I'm just trying to exist. I'm trying to figure out how going to sleep at night and waking up each morning became such a task. I'm tired, exhausted, worn-out. I don't care if I didn't work a 10 hour shift or if I slept the day away. I'm tired of this place and existing is just difficult.

Sleep It Off

2011-11-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

It's a nightmare, eyes wide open.

If I wasn't hallucinating I might of already vomited my lungs out.

If I hear his voice come through the speakers, I won't be able to hold the nostalgia twisting in the pit of my stomach pushing up towards my chest; my head is spinning at the thought.

Anyone Feel Me?

2011-11-17T17:18:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of feeling lonely... when I'm not even alone.

Don't say they were all mistakes.

2011-11-15T00:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how you smile so effortlessly with all that you've done?

Can I run away to California?

2011-11-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the sun drinking up every last drop of Vitamin D, basking in it's warmth... feels like summer's coming. The Santa candle holder seems ridiculous placed next to my TV, doesn't feel like November at all. The days will soon come when the sun seems non-existent and the nights last forever. I'm not ready for the cold and the air biting at my fingertips and toes.

Lust

2011-11-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

You've always been the voice of reason.

I've always been the over-indulgent one; momentarily satisfied, always hungry for more. Constantly in need of your touch, your kiss... your love.

I'll Never Let Go

2011-11-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

I'm something else when I'm with you.

(Source: nakedthoughts3.tumblr.com)

I feel free and careless. You do something to me... I let it all fall into the backdrop and it's just us. I don't know if that's good or bad cause as soon as I lose sight of you, I lose sight of me.

A Sick & Twisted Love

2011-11-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

"Let go," I whisper, my lips touching her ear.

I wrap my fingers around her jaw and spin her around. Her eyes are bloodshot, I can't hold her gaze for long. I've watched the dark circles beneath them continue to darken. Her face is dry; just the pain settling in, so obvious on her flawless skin. She never lets me see her cry, just the anger after she's through with the guilt. She pulls her sleeves over her fingers and tries to disappear in the sweater she's wearing, staring at some distant spot on the rug. When she looks like this I always remember the first day I saw her. Her long hair whipping in the wind as she struggled to light her smoke in the park by the lake. She cupped her fingers around the lighter but the flame kept going out. Giving up, she just crossed her legs and stared off into the distance. I always think... if it wasn't for the wind.

"But you can't, can you? I know your dirty little secret... you love it."

He's Real

2011-11-05T00:11:00.001-07:00

You know you have a good man when you can tell him exactly how you feel.

Sometimes, you don't need to know... the truth.

2011-11-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Does it break your heart to see me like this?

You can tell me but I don't know and I'll never really know... unless I trust you.

It's Never The End

2011-11-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe we do divide our lives into summers. All it took was one summer to change everything I knew, everything I was familiar with. I look in the mirror and I don't see the same person, I look around and I'm surrounded by different people, I even feel different inside.

Change... I was against it. But when I look at the bigger picture... every change led to something better, something good, something bearable, something okay. And maybe it's true what they say, if it's not okay it's not the end.

William Butler Yeats

2011-10-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

“A mermaid found a swimming lad,
Picked him up for her own,
Pressed her body to his body,
Laughed; and plunging down
Forgot in cruel happiness
That even lovers drown.”

Drowning in You

2011-10-31T03:42:00.000-07:00

I can't grasp how much time has passed us by. How days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, and so on. Did we even take the time to think about the damage this could cause? There's no turning back now. This has spun out of control, we're in so deep and I never want to resurface.

Obstacles

2011-10-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

Just cause I'm not alone doesn't mean I don't know how it feels to hurt.

Actually, if anything it hurts more.

Highs and Lows

2011-10-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

I'm unreachable, doesn't matter what end. Up high floating and you can't get me down, down low sinking and you can't get me up.

I'm reminiscing of hot summer days, driving in your beat-up car, smoking cigs out the window, my legs up on the dash, staring out the sun roof at the puffy white clouds. Then I remember the days where the silence threatened to kill me and the smokes weren't enough to mask the tension in the air.

Your the best of both world's it seems.

Lao Tzu

2011-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Candle Light

2011-10-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

"I found a small way to make my office more pleasant. At a party at someone's house, I smelled a scent so lovely that I walked around the room sniffing until I found the source: a Jo Malone Orange Blossom candle. Although, I never buy this sort of thing, when I got home, I went straight to the computer and ordered one for myself, and I started the habit of burning it in my office. Though I sometimes mocked the scented-candle-pushing brand of happiness building, I discovered that there is something nice about working in an office with a candle burning. It's like seeing snow falling outside the window or having a dog snoozing on the carpet beside you. It's a kind of silent presence in the room and very pleasant."

Truth In Time Tells All

2011-10-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

There's no anger, just bitterness.

But we're growing and sometimes out-growing.

Life takes us in so many directions at once, all I can do now is recall you in memories.

Truth

2011-10-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

The Happiness Project

2011-10-15T01:33:00.001-07:00

Act the way you want to feel.

Hold On

2011-10-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

You drag me along, rarely looking back, hardly noticing how bruised I've become.

N/A

2011-10-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

I don't understand any of it and neither do you. You can cling to whatever you want; religion, education or work but it doesn't mean a thing. And I can't comprehend how we can wake up every morning and go to bed every night not knowing the answer to any of it. Completely clueless about what we're doing, just following the arms of a clock and the rules of a man.

If there was anything out there worth being here for it wouldn't be Him.

Our Love is Magical

2011-10-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Some nights I wish we could just run away together. Pick up what little we have and just drive until the road ends, until the sun sets and lay our heads where ever that may be. I want to get lost in some foreign land with you, backpack through valleys, meet strange people, discover history, kiss under a waterfall. I want it all, all the dreams I've stored up since I was a kid.

Is it impossible? Does my dreams of fantastical love exist in this world?

I'll never want that work 9-5, cook dinner for the family, wash the dishes rinse and repeat kind of love.

10.10.11

2011-10-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

He's perfect even in his flaws, even in the wrong ways he's truly amazing. There's no doubt in my mind that I've found my one true love.

Happy five years babe.

A Hot and Cold Night

2011-10-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

I'm restless tonight, tossing and turning, can't get him off of my mind no matter how hard I try. But I must admit replaying these fantasies are far from torturous. It's teasing me in some good yet displeasing way.

I'm groaning as I recall his hands massaging my body and pulling me into him at the waist; feeling how rock solid his body was for me. His lips were pressed at the base of my throat making me moan in ecstasy as he trailed hot kisses to my mouth and teased me with his tongue. His fingers brushed beneath my shirt giving me goosebumps, cupping around my breasts as we kissed deeply; my body feeling light as air yet so grounded and rooted to the spot, completely unaware of everything except his touch and movement as it matched my own.

Word

2011-10-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

When you try to make a fool out of other's...

you really only end up making a fool of yourself.

If it was only me and you...

2011-10-01T21:45:00.001-07:00

this would be paradise.

We're falling so fast...

2011-09-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm scared that when we hit the floor I'll explode into a million pieces and I'll never be the same person again.

Turn Me Inside Out

2011-09-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

This feeling I haven't had in a while.

I hate what you do to me.

Two Sides

2011-09-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

I bet she never walked barefoot before, if ever only at some beach. It's Toronto we don't have beaches. Just a contaminated lake where they truck in sand and make it look like it doesn't even belong in the middle of a city... because it doesn't.

Anyway, I'm sure she's never taken her damn high heels off a day in her life to just feel blades of grass on the soles of her feet. I'm sure she's never even taken her makeup off either. She's never let herself be undone.

But then again I could be wrong, cause sometimes people are wrong.

The world is conspiring against us...

2011-09-11T19:05:00.001-07:00

Every time I'm with you hours pass by like seconds.

See You Soon

2011-09-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

These are the last few moments of summer. The glimmer of the full moon, the rustling in the nearby fruit tree, the twinkling of so few stars. Goosebumps on my bare legs as we hold on to each other under the streetlights, so many great conversations I'll never forget.

My heart sinks thinking of the months ahead. What will they be like? Slowly getting colder and colder until it's unbearable. The holidays looming overhead. When did I start to hate the holidays? It's the time of year you fight your way through until before you know it hazy days stretch before you and the nights become endless.

I'm going to miss this summer, so many changes and good memories to cherish. The late nights at Mel's house; so many smokes I can't count. The laughter that never died down. Despite what situation arose we laughed our way through it. Date nights with my love, trips to the lake and comedy nights. And to top the summer off, the cottage which was simply amazing.

Soul Mates

2011-09-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Two pieces of a broken locket.

In both our hands a tiny golden half of a broken heart.

Knowing that someone else out there in the entire world held the other piece that fit perfectly with yours,

If our pieces didn't fit, what would you do?

Can you imagine?

2011-09-08T23:27:00.000-07:00

I stretch my fingers around my stomach as I extend it, making it protrude over my pants, feeling the smooth skin and picturing what could possibly come of this.

I imagine tiny replica fingers of mine. Your hair although you always insist on it being mine. Your bright brown eyes and creamy skin. My lips and nose, your trillion watt smile.

I imagine he'll grow up to be just as amazing as you, just as charming and just as much a man. I can't imagine anything less.

You imagine she'll be just as beautiful, just as kind (hopefully without the quick temper) but nevertheless you'll love her just as much as you love me.

Sandman

2011-09-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

I can't deny how much I miss the warmth of your body beside mine. Falling asleep with such ease as your fingers endlessly caress me. Your smoky sweet skin and warm arms holding me close to you. Your soothing breathing tickling my neck. Your slow intoxicating kisses at night and tight lipped kisses in the morning. Waking up wrapped in you as we focus our eyes, staring out at the lake...

Awakening

2011-09-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

I don't even give you half the credit you deserve. I've been a terrible person as of late. Completely self-absorbed and so needy that I don't show you how much you mean to me. I push you away with my harsh words thinking that you'll read between the lines and see how much I love you. And it's wrong. It's all wrong. This way of thinking. You're no mind reader.

I'm afraid one day I'll push too hard and that'll be it and I don't want that. You only deserve the best of me.

Empty

2011-09-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Ofcourse, I miss him. His voice, his laugh, his fingers stretching across my skin while I sleep. But I know now, how sweet hard work tastes and I won't stop for anything.

Silent Killer

2011-08-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

Funny how we can go from being something to nothing,
and that too,
without a word.

Memories

2011-08-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

For the rest of your life, implanted in your brain; a constant reminder of what was, what existed, what happened, what shaped your life.

Don't let anything overshadow what existed at one point in time. Whether it was that tingle on your lips after a kiss, while his hands stroked your bare skin under the sheets. Or those long nights sitting up in your basement painting your nails and talking about boys. Or even if it was a memory of a furry friend that curled up by your legs as you slept.

Inside I'm falling apart

2011-08-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

... and it's only a matter of time until it settles on the surface.

What else could love be?

2011-08-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know how I know?

It's these few moments, every single time I'm with him, I forget about everything and I'm just me without all the excess. I've never felt that in my entire life with anyone. It's absolute bliss.

Am I Wrong?

2011-08-08T15:46:00.001-07:00

You'd trade me in a second if you knew any better.

If the world came crashing down.

2011-08-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

What if one day you discovered that blue was actually pink and pink was blue? The moon was the sun and the stars were light bulbs strung out of our reach? What if money had no value and jelly beans were worth millions? The black ones worth trillions? What if one day you woke up and everything you deemed true was suddenly a lie? What's the one thing that would forever remain constant?

You.

A Single Kernel of Truth

2011-08-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

That look on her face, I'd recognize it anywhere; a mix of lonely nights and too many bottles of wine, smoking the ends of cigarettes and swallowing whatever self respect you had left - defeat is what you could call it. When you're worn so thin your insecurities settle on the surface and the jabs keep coming. The bruises build upon bruises until you look in the mirror and you're scared. Because atlas, you don't even recognize yourself any more. You're just a stress relieving punching bag that they throw all their shit at, all the crap they can't handle themselves. So your left with this burden that's not even yours and your so mentally fucked from all the twisting of lies that you start blaming yourself. And it's a constant spiral downwards from here... and they'll just watch from the sidelines because it's no one's responsibility or job to pick you up.

Oh, I know that look so well. I whisper into her ear, a single kernel of truth, because that's all you really need to get up.

Paradise

2011-07-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

My private getaway under the stars; a glass of sweet wine, a spicy pizza, soft music, a good book and a gentle breeze caressing my skin.

The Magnificent Disappearing Reappearing Act

2011-07-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

It's a mix of late nights, early mornings and countless bottles of wine. BBQ's and cook-outs, smoking under the stars and sipping tea under the gazebo in the rain. But I never give an inch of myself; I don't want to mean a thing to anyone. I'll be that pretty girl you bummed a smoke off that one time or who clinked your glass and made you laugh really hard. Underneath it all you have no idea who I really am.

Invitation

2011-07-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

This envelope feels so official in my hands. The thick velvety paper, our names so boldly printed on the label beside one another. It feels completely surreal. Something I only imagined as a little girl while I wished on twinkling stars.

Zeno

2011-07-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

He's the type that I'm a sucker for.

Blue jeans riding low on the waist, black high tops and a low fade. A fitted cocked backwards on his head, t-shirt tight around his broad shoulders and hanging loosely off his back and stomach. A thin silver chain peaks out on the back of his neck and the markings of a tattoo are concealed by his sleeve. The outline of his abs are barely visible as the material gathers by the button of his jeans. There's light scruff on his chiseled cheeks and a lined goatee around his mouth. A dark wild look in his eyes so intoxicating I can't hold his stare.

I study him in the reflection of the window, one hand stretched above holding the metal bar; his toned arms flexing as the bus brakes at each stop. He chews on the inside of his cheek and catches me staring. He holds my gaze and the corner of his mouth curls up. The only thought in my head is if he asks me to get off with him the only logical thing to do would be to follow.